


Can't Help Myself

by MoodyAquarius



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cas asking Sam about Dean, Cas crushing on Dean, M/M, curious Cas, cute cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-23
Updated: 2017-12-23
Packaged: 2019-02-19 02:04:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13113639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoodyAquarius/pseuds/MoodyAquarius
Summary: Cas seeks to define his relationship with Dean.





	Can't Help Myself

**_Relationship:_ ** _ The way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected. _

 Castiel stared at the small print text, eyes moving down the synonyms and uses for the word. His lips mouthed the words 'the state of being connected', eyes focusing on the image of Dean through Bobby's ramshackle window. The visage was blurry, but as he focused in he could see and feel the way Dean's body tensed as he cranked a bolt tighter under the hood of the Impala, sweat beading at his hairline, drenching the back of his shirt with a dark stain in the July heat. Castiel closed the dictionary softly, drifting like a ghost toward the window, feet hardly moving as he focused in closer on the man outside.

He heard Dean grunt as he lifted the Impala hood to let it fall with a thud as he patted his hands against his filthy jeans, walking toward the spot he'd set down his beer in that bow-legged swagger of his. Castiel continued to stare as he grabbed the beverage, lifted it to his lips and gulped needy. He watched the inner-workings of his neck as tendons and muscles moved beneath his skin. He-- 

A pair of green eyes found him there through the window. Castiel felt his stomach drop. His anxiety increased as he watched Dean wipe the sweat off his brow with the back of his hand and walk toward Bobby's back door. He froze, he felt completely incapable of moving, he just couldn't get his muscles to do it. The door swung open, he snapped his entire body toward Dean.

As he entered a wave of Dean's self-made fragrance of musk and sweat washed over Castiel, penetrating his entire being. It was definitely not a bad smell. Dean set his beer down on a wooden end table, looking at Cas with that perplexed, slightly pissed off look he was known to wear, "Cas," he started, sounding like he didn't really have anywhere to go with it.

"Yes, Dean?" his response was a reflex. Dean scrubbed a hand across his face, unknowingly spreading dark grease over his features, Cas smirked gently.

His skin was a little more than sun-kissed, looking lightly tanned or burned. Castiel could see new freckles appearing across his nose and cheeks. "Why do you look at me like that?"

"Like what?" Cas stepped forward cautiously, cocking his head at Dean in confusion.

"Like you..." Dean looked him up and down, doing a silent assessment, looking troubled. He opened his mouth then closed it, unable to find the right words. He picked up his beer, taking a sip and letting himself fall back into Bobby's recliner. The house was quiet, Sam was in the study researching for a case and Bobby had left to make a grocery run. Castiel wondered if he should sit too or if that would be socially unacceptable. It was so hard to read human interactions. Dean saved him the struggle and suggested, "Sit down, will ya?"

"Thank you." Dean chuckled at the relief that washed over the angel's face. He finished off his beer with a long pull, setting it aside and clapping a hand over his mouth to mask a burp. Castiel blinked and made a new beer appear in his other hand. Dean jumped slightly and shot Cas a look. 

"Jee, thanks,"

"I knew you wanted another, I could feel your desire for it." 

Dean pretended to scrub out his ear, "Say again?"

"I.." Castiel backtracked, clasping his hands together in a fist over his lap, eyes locked on his fingers, "When your emotions are strong enough.. sometimes you project them. It's.. I don't intend to feel them but they're very hard to ignore. Incredibly loud, at times. I don't know why it happens with you, there are no other humans that I get such strong signals from. I apologize if you feel.. Exposed."

His eyes rose to meet Dean's, melting into them as he said 'exposed'. Dean stared back, studying Castiel like he was the most interesting thing he'd ever seen, pondering him, trying to figure him out. He sipped at his new beer before softly uttering, "Is it because of the 'profound bond', is that what you called it?"

"Yes. And yes, I believe so." 

"Huh," to Cas' surprise that's all that was said, Dean dropped it and drank his beer, letting his mind slip to other things, just relaxing into the chair. Cas watched him drink his beer then realized he was being weird and looked away, pretending to be interested in a painting on the wall.

“So, how are you, Cas? Haven’t seen you around in a while.” His voice was warm, casual and it reminded Castiel why he felt so compelled to be near Dean. The angel picked at a stray string coming from his coat, 

“I’m fine. Same as before.” He didn’t ponder much further, deciding he was performing at or above capacity. He saw Dean grin around the lip of his bottle, his eyes glued to the pair of plump pink lips. “How are you, Dean?”

Dean took a sip and set the bottle aside, straightening up a little, popping his back and shoulders in a cat-like arch. He stretched his arms above his head and released in a full-bodied sigh, “I actually feel pretty good.”

Cas opened his mouth to respond but found his words caught in the back of his throat as he noticed a sliver of Dean’s hip showing from under his shirt. The doorknob jiggled and Sam entered with his arms full of plastic bags full of groceries. Bobby wheeled in behind him with a jug of milk and juice on his lap. 

Castiel reserved himself to just gaze at Dean since he knew his chance to speak with him was over. Sam greeted them as he passed through the room, “Hey guys, what’s up?”

“Nothing, actually.” Dean sighed contently, waving at Bobby as he passed through. Castiel smiled at each of them, eyes falling back on Dean. 

Later on, after all the groceries were put away and Sam had helped Bobby put together something for dinner they all ate, except for Cas of course. He stayed in the living room while they ate in the dining room, not wanting to be ‘creepy’, as Dean said. A while later Sam wandered into the living room, letting himself fall back in the same recliner Dean had been in before.

He sighed, looking tired but happy, “How are you Castiel?”

Castiel wanted to say he was fine, but something in him was burning. He remembered that word, ‘relationship’, it had been swirling around in his mind for hours. “I’m.. Sam, I’m confused.”

Sam made a face, sitting up a little, “Confused how?”

“I..” He looked up to Sam’s face, then down at his hands, “I’m confused about my relationship with Dean.”

“Oh, uh,” Sam suddenly looked uncomfortable, Castiel panicked. 

“Did I.. I shouldn’t have said that--I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s fine, I just… don’t know if I have an answer for you.” He ran a hand through his long dark locks, looking sympathetically at Cas, “Dean’s… confusing when it comes to stuff like this, he has a hard time saying how he feels. I can’t imagine how many questions you must have for him..”

Castiel met Sam’s eyes, his blue eyes full of torment and questions, looking exhausted from it all. “So many, Sam. But I’m afraid to talk to him about this… I’m afraid he might react horribly.”

“There’s always that chance.” Sam raised an eyebrow and sighed, “Look, Cas, I.. I know Dean pretty well and there’s no doubt that he cares about you, to what extent I’m not sure, but..” he shrugged, trying to sound hopeful. “How do you feel about him, Cas?”

“I feel.. Lightheaded whenever he’s around and short of breath. Sweaty palms, shakiness… I-- it’s like something possesses my vessel and I can’t concentrate.”

“Oh, man,” Sam winced.

“What?”

“It’s worse than I thought.” Castiel cocked his head at him in confusion, Sam elaborated, “Cas… what you’re saying is.. Well, that’s the same way I felt about Jessica. She made me so nervous, but I’d do anything just to be near her. No matter what.” His eyes grew distant. 

Cas sighed hopelessly, “Dean will never want me in that way… I’ve got all the wrong parts..” he referred to his body, cursing himself for choosing a male vessel. “It’ll never work.”

“But, Cas, you want him in that way, right?”

“I.. I’m not sure, I just.. I know I like him a lot.”

“Then just tell him that.”

“How?”

Dean entered the room with three beers in his hands, “What’s up, bitches?”

_______

"You're freaking incredible!" Sam’s booming voice echoed throughout the empty open space that was the roadhouse. Ellen polished glasses behind the bar while Dean had a drink in the lounge.

"Aw, don't gimme that much credit, Sam, I mean I have my talents sure, but,"

"No, seriously, this would have taken me months." Sam's eyes scanned the laptop screen excitedly, turning around to call at his brother, "Dean, this case just got a whole lot easier!"

Dean, from half a room away muttered under his breath, "Yay," throwing back a shot of Jameson. Jo brushed past his shoulder, fingers lingering on the padded leather. She snuck the shot glass out of his hand, chirping,

"'Nother one, sugar?”

"Not now, sweetheart." Jo set the bottle of Jameson aside, pulling up a chair beside the hunter. 

"What's with the sour tone?"

He pulled his face out of his hands, dragging his eyes over to scan her face, reading all the flirtation and hope there. He lowered his voice, "Jo, you know we can't do this."

He watched her face fall, cutting through her layers of confidence. Her eyebrows drew over her big doe eyes, she reached up to tuck a lock of hay colored hair behind her ear, "Dean, I'm a big girl, I can make my own mistakes."

"And that's exactly what this would be, a giant mistake."

"Listen, Dean,"

"No you listen, how do I even know you're legal?" He looked her up and down, "You'd probably just lie, and even if you were I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole." She gaped, clearly offended, Dean hurried to clarify, "Because of your mother, Jo. She would skin me alive." His eyes danced around her petite frame, "It's not that I don’t think you’re beautiful, because you are."

He felt the burning whiskey give him the confidence to finally say that to her face. He saw her cheeks redden and felt himself biting back a smirk. He reached out to her, gently, tenderly stroking his thumb across her cheek.

"I wish we could have met in a different life, Jo, I really do." 

He felt her quiver, she scooted closer into his touch, he could practically feel the air catch in her lungs. "Dean, please, just once." Her eyes scanned his face up and down, "My mom'll never have to know."

He felt a combination of desire and guilt growing in the pit of his stomach, churning like coals inside him. Her face was only a foot away. "But you know it won't be just one little kiss, we'll both want more..."

"You're saying you want more?" Her features lit up with delight as she fought for anything to dangle over Dean to break his defense.

"I'm saying.." he shut his eyes, knowing that looking at her wasn't helping, "I'm saying I'm no good for anybody, especially not you, Jo, you deserve somebody who will actually stick around for you."

"I don't want that, Dean, I don't want some apple-pie life. I'm not normal, you're not normal, we'll never have that.. all we'll ever get is moments like these," she began inching into his space, hands on his collar, tugging him closer softly. Their lips were centimeters apart and-

"Dean." A booming, serious voice entered the room, making them both jump a foot apart in shock. 

"You gotta be freakin' kidding me."

"Dean, I'm sorry but this is very important." Castiel's eyes passed over Jo, who was absolutely fuming. She got up and stormed out of the room without a word to either of them. Dean glared at Cas, but a part of him felt relieved that he had prevented that kiss from happening, now he didn't have to expect a whooping from Ellen. 

"So what's the big important news?” He rose from his chair in a huff.

“It’d be easier just to show you.” Castiel reached two fingers out to him, touching his forehead and materializing them in the middle of what looked like a crime scene, but there was no tape, no lights, no cops. Yet. Castiel cleared his throat while Dean took in the sight before him of at least twenty or more dead bodies lying in an almost perfect circle, “These people were all being possessed at the time of their deaths, why they died like this I have no clue.”

“Looks like some kind of ritual sacrifice, doesn’t it?” Dean dropped to his knees, touching the wrist of one of the victims, seeing burn markings and burst blood vessels. They were in a place that looked like nothing important, just a big empty field, dry from drought with dying plants for miles.

Castiel raised an eyebrow, “That’s what I was thinking actually.” He cocked his head at the scene, scanning the faces of each victim, overcome with emotion, “But why? Who stands to gain from this?”

Dean shot back up, clasping a hand hard on Cas’ shoulder, “Demons don’t do things based on logic, Cas, you know that, man. Maybe they did it to summon somebody.”

“I sincerely hope you’re wrong about that.” Castiel stepped over a body, inspecting the middle of the circle for any clues. Dean cleared his throat, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. 

“So this is really what you called me here for?” His tone confused Cas.

“Do you not care that these people have died?”

“No, of course I do, I just thought... I dunno,” 

“You thought what, Dean?”

Dean scanned his eyes, looking deep into those impossible blue vortexes. “Nothing, Cas. Just take me back.” 

Cas was slightly taken aback by Dean’s suddenly snippy tone. “Dean?” He took a step closer, eyes all over his face. “Did I… I interrupted something didn’t I?” his mind was just barely catching up to the fact that he’d actually interrupted a moment. 

Dean threw his shoulders back in a laugh, “No, really?” 

“I apologize, Dean. I…” he remembered the way he and Jo had been leaned in close, lips inches apart, “In retrospect this sounds really ignorant but I didn’t realize what was going on.”

“Really? You don’t know what a kiss looks like?”

“I.. my knowledge is limited, Dean.” He backed away, feeling insecure, collapsing in on himself and looking small in his trench coat, “I apologize for my ignorance, I’ll try to stay out of your way.”

“Cas,” Dean’s expression fell, his eyes wide and sad, eyebrows pulled down hard over them. “I didn’t mean it like that.” He followed Cas’ little backward steps, closing in on him, “Hey, look at me,” he grabbed the angel’s wrists, pulling him closer, “I didn’t mean to make you feel bad, I should have realized you wouldn’t know that.”

He remembered that Castiel’s knowledge of human interactions and people in general were on a child-like level. He truly didn’t understand social cues or rules of what’s appropriate or not and when it came to expressing feelings he was hopeless. After what felt like too long Cas finally raised his head enough that Dean could meet his eyes. 

They were large and churning with a flickering blue flame, “I read the definition of a ‘relationship’,” he air-quoted, holding Dean’s confused gaze, “It said a relationship is the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.” he recited it word for word like a robot.

Dean started cautiously, confused, “And?”

“And which are we? Concepts? People connected? I’m so confused, Dean.” 

“You..” Dean pieced it together, feeling blood flood his cheeks, “You’re asking me to define our relationship?”

“I.. yes, I suppose I am.” He kept his eyes locked hard on Dean’s face, demanding an answer.

The hunter stuttered, slipping over words, fumbling for something to say but nothing came out. He inhaled a shaky breath and stepped backward from Cas, looking him up and down frantically, “I.. I don’t know, Cas.” 

“You don’t know?”

“No, okay? I don’t know!” He was beginning to feel suffocated, “Will you zap us back to the roadhouse please?” 

Castiel looked defeated, pain coating his features, making his face look slightly twisted, “Yes, of course.” He reached out to place a hand over Dean’s chest and with a thought they were standing in front of the bar in the quiet, empty barn-like place. “Have a good night, Dean.” He prepared to fly away.

“Cas, wait,” Castiel shivered as warm fingers reached between the spaces of his own fingers, gripping hard at his hand, skin strangely soft despite several cuts and calluses. It was a sensation he hadn’t yet felt and it shook him. When he opened his eyes all he could see was green surrounded by heavy lashes and freckles, freckles everywhere.

Air caught in his throat, the proximity of Dean overwhelming his senses, his eyes locked on the hunter’s lips as he spoke, “Cas, I don’t know how to define this, okay? But.. I know I care about you. Besides Sammy, you’re the only person I’d die for and when I’m goin’ up against evil sons’abitches I want you at my side.” He gulped, feeling his throat get tight with emotion, “Something about you makes me so nervous, I can’t place it.”

“My vessel overheats and my heart has trouble beating when you’re near.” Dean bit his lip and looked around, making sure they were alone. Still, he pulled Cas aside into the same room he almost kissed Jo in. He shoved the angel up against the wall, keeping him pinned with his hips and hands. 

“What do you feel now?” His voice was barely above a whisper, husky and deep. 

“Incredibly nervous, terrified, actually.” He backed up as far as he could into the wall, trying to shy away from Dean, feeling dizzy. 

“Terrified of what?” A flash of white teeth shone in the darkness.

“I… You, me, how I feel..” he placed a hand on the hunter’s chest, as if to steady himself.

“Cas, I know you like me,” He grinned wider, taking the angel’s chin between his thumb and finger. “Don’t worry, I like you too.” 

“You do? But.. that’s not possible..” He was inches away from Dean.

“Why do you say that?” 

“Because.. Well, I’m not… female, I don’t have what you want.” he met Dean’s eyes with sincerity and vulnerability, looking defeated and bewildered.

“Cas,” He shook his head, sighing softly, “You’re you.. And.. you’re perfect this way, I don’t need you to be different.” 

“Dean, what are you saying?”

Dean sighed, feeling exasperated with all this talking and decided to show him what he meant. He grabbed the collar of Cas’ shirt and leaned down into him, pushing his lips up against Cas’ and relishing in that feeling. He was surprised by how soft the skin of his chapped-looking lips were.

Cas gasped against Dean’s mouth, not necessarily knowing how to kiss him back. He tried to mirror Dean’s lips, following and returning the pressure, pushing up against him. He felt Dean grin against his lips and it made him pull back, feeling immensely insecure.

“Dean,”

“What?” he looked drunk, eyes half open and mouth slack from the kiss, looking like he was ready for more. He was still incredibly close and it was making Cas’ heart pound.

“Dean, you just kissed me.. This isn’t a mistake, is it?”

“Does it feel like a mistake?” Before the angel could answer Dean was kissing him again, hands on him, roaming up and down his body, dragging his teeth along Cas’ bottom lip. Cas kissed back eagerly, reaching up to tug at the roots of Dean’s honey-brown hair, pulling him closer. 

Kissing Dean was better than he could have ever imagined, he could feel his grace thrumming and pounding inside him, begging to get closer somehow. He wanted more and more, he could feel his head swimming and his face growing hot from the nervous excitement of kissing someone as beautiful as Dean. Someone he’d wanted since the moment he met him.

He pulled away with a shaky breath, hands on the hunter’s shoulders, “Dean,” he looked up into his eyes, watching as he softened, placing a hand on the wall by Cas’ head, holding himself up, having to look down slightly as he was taller. Cas cleared his throat, blushing and breathless, “I.. I didn’t realize how much I had wanted to kiss you until just now.”

“Same here.” He let his fingers drift down Cas’ cheek, smiling down at him and leaning in for another kiss, surprised at how much he liked the feel of Cas’ stubble against his face. He pulled back, murmuring, “You taste good.”

Cas couldn’t stop smiling, he felt like he was floating. He leaned up to press a kiss to Dean’s cheek, the absence of his skin making him feel cold. “This can’t be real.” He felt a sharp pinch on his wrist, looking down and seeing Dean’s fingers pinching him. “Why are you pinching me?”

“It’s a.. I dunno expression? Pinch me if I’m dreaming.. I was making sure you knew you were awake.” Cas smiled then pushed against Dean, flipping their position and pushing him up against the wall. 

“Thank you, Dean.” Cas pressed his body up against the hunter, feeling nothing but warmth and hard muscles, leaning up into his lips, kissing him slow, trying to memorize and catalogue the feeling. He pulled back reluctantly, eyes half-open and dreamy, “So, Dean, what does this mean for our relat--”

He was cut off by a rough kiss, then Dean’s rumbling voice, “Cas, stop asking me to define this, okay? Just let me feel it.” He ran a hand through the angel’s dark hair, making him shiver, grabbing at the roots and pulling him in for another kiss. They couldn’t stop once they’d started.

Cas kissed him back, then pulled backward slowly, “Jo will be angry with me.” The combination of words and the way Cas said them made Dean laugh.

“Yeah, if she found out, which she won’t.” He snaked a hand inside Cas’ coat, “You won’t tell anyone, right?”

“Not if you don’t want me to.” He ran his fingers through Dean’s hair, gazing at him. 

“Thanks Cas.” 

“You’re welcome, Dean.”


End file.
